


I Can't Find the Words (But I Can Damn Well Try)

by lefticurse



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Awkward Flirting, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, Mentions of Sexual stuff, Mutual Pining, but he doesn't add that much to this story lol, but no actual smut, connors alive, evan and jared are both dumb, i love writing fics where everyones dumb, idk how to flirt so everything jared says is kinda awkward
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-27
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-11-06 09:41:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17937395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lefticurse/pseuds/lefticurse
Summary: The thing is, Jared Kleinman likes to flirt. A lot.It’s just the way he jokes around, really. It’s just his sense of humor, and Evan might have even found it funny, if he didn’t have a massive, heart-wrenching, stupid crush on the dumb guy.





	I Can't Find the Words (But I Can Damn Well Try)

**Author's Note:**

> hi this is my first time writing these characters, so they might be kinda ooc? especially evan and alana. and also all of them 
> 
> this is also the first fic i've written in a really long time so it's kinda weird and Jared says some kinda odd things. like you can tell i kinda gave up trying to write believable flirting after a while lol
> 
> so sorry about all my shortcomings and enjoy i guess

The thing is, Jared Kleinman likes to flirt. A lot.

It’s just the way he jokes around, really. It’s just his sense of humor, and Evan might have even found it funny, if he didn’t have a massive, heart-wrenching, stupid crush on the dumb guy.

Case in point: Jared’s talking Evan’s ear off (as he always does) while Evan is searching through his locker and just casually puts his arm around Evan’s waist.

“Babe, are you even listening to me?” Jared whines in his ear. Evan jumps so hard he somehow bangs his head against the open locker door.

Jared’s arm disappears immediately, because Jared is laughing so hard that both of his arms are being used to clutch his own stomach.

“Holy shit, dude.” Jared says in between laughs. “You look like a fucking terrified rabbit.” Jared takes a second to laugh some more, before adding, “You okay?”

Evan just grumbles in response.

“I was not expecting you to jump that high. And because of me? Cute.”

Evan slams his locker closed.

“Shut up.” He says eloquently, and Jared just holds his hands up in surrender.

“C’mon, silly rabbit. Let’s take you to class. Don’t slam your head on any lockers on our way there.”

 

“He’s going to be the death of me.” Evan complains after school. Jared had to go home, so Evan is taking this time to moan about Jared’s new ways to ruin his life.

“What’d he do this time?” Zoe asks.

“Dude, just ask him out.” Connor says before Evan can answer, annoyed. “He clearly likes you. He flirts with you constantly.”

“He’s just kidding, though.” Evan dismisses him. “That’s just how he is.”

“That’s not how he is with me.” Alana replies.

“Or with me,” Zoe adds. “What about you Connor?”

“Nope. Unless you count him calling me ‘the human embodiment of teen angst’ and ‘My Chemical Romance Lite’ flirting.”

“Well, it’d be weird if he did it with you guys.” Evan retorts.

“And it’s not weird when he does it with you?” Zoe fires back.

“It’s not. Because we’re, like, best friends. Also, he wouldn’t jokingly flirt with girls, I think? And he and Connor don’t have that kind of dynamic.”

“Connor and him don’t have that kind of dynamic because they’re not gay for each other.” Zoe rolls her eyes.

“That’s not - I mean, that’s _true_ , but neither are we! Shut up, Zoe.”

“I hate shutting up.” Zoe responds. Alana nods.

“That’s true.” She says, fondly.

“Yeah. It’s really annoying.” Connor adds, less fondly.

“Well, _anyway_ ,” Evan says, bringing them back on topic. “I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”

“Just make out already!” Connor says, throwing up his hands in exasperation. “I don’t know what you want us to say, because that’s always going to be our advice.”

“Speak for yourself.” Zoe mumbles. “But, in this case, he’s actually right.” Evan groans.

“Look, Evan, while we understand the fear surrounding confessing your feelings and opening yourself up and being emotionally vulnerable, I think it’s worth a shot. I really don’t think Jared is doing all this platonically - and even if he is, he’s not going to act adversely to you having feelings for him. Jared cares about you.” Alana tells him.

“See, Connor? That’s how you give good advice.” Zoe says.

“You agreed with me!” Connor accuses. Zoe shrugs.

“Okay.” Evan says after a second of hesitation. “Okay, maybe I’ll do it. Maybe. But not now, and not soon. Not for a while. I think I can handle it for now, you know? It’ll be fine.”

Everyone, even Alana, shoots him a look that says, “I doubt it.”

Evan groans again.

 

When Jared comes up to him the next morning, it’s with a simple, “Lookin’ good, Hansen.”

Evan really needs to stop letting Jared sneak up on him like this.

“Hey, Jared.” Evan responds. “Um, what?”

“Nothing. Just, lookin’ good.” Evan decides to ignore him, so Jared continues. “Hey, you know who you kinda look like?”

“Who?” Evan asks out of obligation.

“My next boyfriend.” Jared replies, draping his arm around Evan’s shoulder, a shit-eating grin on his face.

Evan _hates_ him.

Well, not really. But he can feel his ears turn red from the comment and the contact, and Evan does hate that Jared can do that to him.

Not that it’s hard to get Evan to blush, really. But usually Evan blushes because of some social blunder, or because he’s making a fool of himself, not because someone’s saying things like…that.

“What, you can tell the future now?” Evan says, and he kind of cringes because he sounds like an idiot, but he really doesn’t know how to respond.

“No, but I _can_ tell that we’ve got a connection.” Jared says. “You’ll fall for me yet, Hansen.” Jared laughs, before scurrying off to class.

 _Too late_ , Evan thinks to himself, before walking away too.

 

Evan really wants to keep complaining about Jared at lunch.

But he figures it’d probably annoy everyone if he kept talking about it, but. But he has a lot of feelings about Jared and how Jared’s been trying to mess with him and how he’s been _succeeding_ , but not for the reason Jared would probably think.

But either way, he can’t just keep blabbing about something so dumb that no one else cares about. He can't just keep bothering everyone with his stupid thoughts and his stupid problems that aren't even that big of a deal, anyway. He's just being an idiot like always. He should just shut up for once.

So, he just quietly chews his squished peanut butter sandwich and idly listens to Zoe, Alana, and Connor talk.

“You okay?” Zoe asks him during a lull in the conversation, and Evan quickly looks up, surprised.

“Yeah?” Evan answers.

“Really? You’ve been kinda quiet.” She replies, frowning. “Is it Jared again?”

“No.” Evan replies. It’s the truth, mostly. “I mean, well. I don’t know?”

“Where is he, anyway?” Alana asks. Evan shrugs.

“He told me he would be a little late.” He says.

“Well, you want to gush some more? Take advantage of the time he’s gone?” Alana proposes. Evan kinda wants to take her up on her offer.

“I just…” He starts. He buries his face in his hands. “I’m pathetic.”

“No, you’re not!” Alana says, putting her hand on his shoulder.

“Just a little.” Connor adds unhelpfully.

“Connor, shut the fuck up.” Zoe reprimands him.

“Well, listen. I’ve never seen anyone be so obvious in my life. I don’t get - “ Connor cuts off abruptly, and Evan lifts his head, waiting for Connor to continue. Instead, he looks up just in time to see Jared slide into the seat next to him and place a steaming cup and a packet of skittles on the table in front of him. He’s holding his own cup of iced coffee and a prepackaged sandwich.

“How can you drink that?” Zoe asks in lieu of a greeting, staring at the iced coffee. “It’s like twenty degrees outside.” Jared shrugs.

“Hot coffee is gross.” He replies. He then turns to Evan, who hasn’t moved since he got here. “For you.” Jared says, before helpfully pushing the cup and candy towards him. “Chamomile.” He answers Evan’s unasked question, and Evan smiles appreciatively.

“How’d you know?” Jared shrugs.

“Just had a feeling.”

“Thanks. Is this why you were late?” Evan asks, before taking a sip.

“Hey, dumbass, it’s hot!” Jared tries to warn, but it comes too late. Evan burns his tongue and grimaces, quietly yelping in pain. “So Mr. Einstein over here forgot that hot drinks were actually hot, huh?” He says, as Evan opens the packet of Skittles and shoves some in his mouth, hoping it’ll help. It doesn’t. “You okay, though?” Jared adds after a moment.

“Yeah. It’s okay. I just burned my tongue.”

“Aww, poor Ev.” Jared croons. “Want me to kiss it better?” Evan just shoves him, and Jared laughs before unwrapping his sandwich.

“Hey, why didn’t you get _us_ anything?” Connor asks suddenly, affronted.

“Yeah, this is blatant favoritism.” Zoe adds, crossing her arms. Jared looks up and grins smugly at them.

“You caught me.” He says. “It absolutely is. Evan’s my favorite.”

Evan accidentally swallows a Skittle whole. “Jared - “ He tries, but he doesn’t really know what he’s going to say anyway.

“It’s true!” Jared says. Before laughing. “But who knows? Maybe I just hate everyone else here.” He continues. Connor rolls his eyes at that.

“You don’t, idiot.” He replies.

“Wow, the Murphy twins are on a roll today! You caught me again.”

“We’re not even twins.” Zoe protests.

“Semantics.” Jared waves his hand dismissively.

“It’s…really not.”

“So, Ev. You wanna hang out after school? At yours?” He changes the topic.

“Are you inviting yourself over?” Evan asks, perplexed.

“Yup.” Jared nods. “So, what do you say?”

“Okay.” Evan says. “But we have to do homework.”

“Boo.” Jared boos. “Homework is for nerds.”

“You _are_ a nerd.”

“True.” Jared agrees. “But I still hate being productive.” Evan shrugs.

“Sorry, but we have to. I don’t make the rules.”

“You _just_ did.”

“Well, I just really need to make sure I get good grades, okay? And if you’re going to invite yourself over like this, you have to understand that I need to - “

“I’m kidding, Ev.” Jared interrupts. “It’s fine. I guess I can try to be productive for you.”

“Why aren’t _we_ invited?” Zoe complains, cutting off Evan’s reply.

“Yeah, why weren’t we?” Alana repeats, though she says it with a completely different tone, like she’s genuinely asking. There’s something else in her voice, too, but Evan can’t pinpoint what it is.

“It’s date night.” Jared answers. “And I can only stand to be around you guys during the, like, three designated hours I see you at school.”

“That’d really hurt my feelings if I wasn’t dead inside.” Connor replies.

“That’d really hurt my feelings if I didn’t know that you just want to get Evan alone.” Alana ignores him and turns to Jared with a smile Evan doesn’t know how to interpret. Jared looks away for a second before looking back at her.

“Shut up.” Jared mutters, an odd response considering the way Jared had been acting earlier. He called it a _date,_ for heaven’s sake.

Evan just stays silent and takes another sip of his drink, cautiously now. It’s just the right temperature, and Evan can feel the warmth start to calm him.

“Thanks for the drink, Jared.” Evan says quietly. Jared chuckles.

“You already said that.” He replies, but it’s with a weird sort of gentleness.

“I know. But thanks. You didn’t have to.” Jared nudges his shoulder.

“I wanted to. It’s no big deal,” he replies nonchalantly. He gently pats Evan’s thigh and Evan tries not to think about how the casual touch warms him more than the tea.

 

After school, they walk to Evan’s house (Jared crashed his car in an accident he won’t tell Evan about. All he knows is that the car insurance didn’t cover it). It’s cold, and they’re not talking much because in Evan’s opinion, it’s too cold to muster up the energy to open his mouth or form any coherent thoughts. Then, because Jared is apparently still trying to kill him, he grabs Evan's hand and shoves it in his pocket with his own hand. Jared’s hand is cold.

“What?” Evan squeaks out. His face feels hot. Jared looks at him.

“My hands are cold. You’re always warm. You’re the only thing warm enough to thaw this cold, dead, heart of mine.” Jared explains.

“Oh.” This kind of makes sense, Evan guesses. Or, at least, it doesn’t _not_ make sense. Probably. Evan can feel himself start to calm down when Jared leans in close so he can talk directly in Evan’s ear.

“While all that’s true, between you and me, I just wanted an excuse to hold a cute boy’s hand.” Jared whispers, his breath tickling Evan’s neck.

And…Evan’s face is burning. He resists the urge to lean into the touch and just pushes Jared away, disentangling their hands in the process.

“I hate you.” Evan responds weakly. Jared just winks - fucking _winks_ \- and rejoins their hands. “Jared - “

“My hands are still cold.” Jared tells him. He squeezes his hand. “And you’re still cute.”

Evan doesn’t know what to say to that, so he just says nothing. He lets Jared hold his hand and he relishes the touch. He ignores the part of him that feels like this is a ticking time bomb, the part of him that knows that this will explode in some way or another. For now, he’ll just enjoy holding Jared’s hand.

 

It only takes about half an hour of being sprawled across Evan’s bed, trying to do homework, for Evan to seriously wonder whether or not Jared is trying to drive him insane.

He’s about reached his breaking point by the fifth time Jared leans over his shoulder, way closer than necessary, or the fourth time Jared makes some dumb comment that for some reason only endears him to Evan more (“Damn, look at those curves!” “Jared, please don’t sexualize our math homework.”), or the twelfth time Jared grins, lighting up the room.

So, Evan’s already on edge when Jared decides he needs a break (after about four minutes of doing actual work), and Jared decides to flop over his lap, obscuring Evan’s view of his own homework. Jared’s warm - too warm, really. Evan kind of wants to ask Jared if he’s running a fever or something, because he thinks that Jared’s body against his shouldn’t be burning like this.

“I’m bored.” Jared complains loudly. Evan ignores how close Jared is for now and glances over at Jared’s paper.

“You’ve barely done anything.”

“But I’m _bored_.”

“Jared - “

“Entertain me.”

“Okay,” Evan gives up. “Do you want me to get you a snack?”

“You’re the only snacc I need, sweetheart.” Jared replies easily, and Evan wants to hit him. “The most beautiful snacc in the world.”

“You - I - I’m going to get you some Oreos.” Evan says quickly. He dumps Jared out of his lap and leaves the room before Jared can respond.

Evan goes downstairs to the kitchen, grabs the Oreos, and does not slam his head on the counter out of pure frustration.

And really, the worst part is…most of Jared’s fake flirting is really dumb. Like him calling Evan a snacc? It shouldn’t set him off like this. But Evan _likes_ the dumb shit Jared says. He likes the way Jared says such stupid things and lets himself be weird around Evan. Evan likes it, just likes _him_ , and it pisses him off.

When he returns, Jared is sprawled across the entire bed, his head still placed where Evan had been sitting. He lifts his head for a second when he hears Evan enter the room, then drops it back down.

“Sorry, I kinda took your spot.” Jared says. Evan walks over and hands him the Oreos, which Jared takes but doesn’t open. He sees a smirk start to form on Jared's face.. “Guess you’ll just have to sit on my face.”

And really, that is the _last straw._

“Can you stop doing that?” Evan snaps. Jared sits up abruptly at Evan’s sharp tone and looks at him, his grin faltering a little around the edges.

“Stop doing what?” He asks.

“Stop pretending to flirt with me.” Evan answers. “It’s not funny anymore.” Jared’s smile remains frozen, and he just stares at Evan. He opens his mouth a couple times like he wants to say something but can’t find the words, before his grin returns at full force. It’s wide and bright like usual, but it feels strained. Jared shoots Evan some finger guns.

“You got it, man. I was just trying to give you some extra material for the spank bank, y’know, help a bro out. Sorry if it made you uncomfortable.” He says, laughing, but he sounds off.

Then he moves over and turns back to his calculus homework.

 

True to his word, Jared stops. Jared kinda stops talking to him altogether, really. They still eat lunch together and walk to classes together sometimes, but Jared just sort of nods along to whatever Evan’s saying without looking him in the eyes.

Which is strange, because Jared is actually the kind of weirdo who likes giving people eye contact.

He denies all of Evan’s invitations to hang out, and stops inviting Evan over. Stops inviting himself over to Evan’s.

And Evan knows this is his fault.

But a part of his mind is kind of pissed off. _If Jared can’t muster up anything to say when he isn’t making fun of me, then good riddance,_ it says, but Evan knows better.

That’s something he might’ve believed, if he didn’t catch the way Jared used to listen to him talk about something stupid, nodding, his eyes bright, like he really cared about what Evan was saying. If Jared didn't know that chamomile tea can always make Evan feel better when his thoughts start getting bad. If Jared hadn’t always been filled to the brim with dumb jokes that weren’t at his expense, about his U.S. History teacher or video games or parabolas or, fuck, literally anything.(Because Jared can just joke around about anything. It’s a talent, really.)

So, instead, Evan feels guilty. He snapped at Jared, and he didn’t really think it would affect him so much, but it _did_ , and now Jared hates him or even if he doesn’t, he’s hurt or he’s sad, and Evan really doesn’t like thinking about Jared being sad. It feels wrong. Out of place.

So Evan walks over to Jared’s house after school one day and rings the bell.

Jared’s mom opens it, which for some reason he wasn’t expecting. Even though she, like, lives there and stuff.

“Hey, Evan!” She says, smiling and opening the door wider so Evan can step in. He does, and tries giving a light little wave.

“Hi.” He says. “Um, is Jared here?”

“Yeah, he’s in his room.” She says, gesturing vaguely upstairs. “Did you and Jared have a fight? He seems a bit down, and I haven’t seen you around lately. And he hasn’t mentioned you at all.”

“Really? I mean, um, no. Well, kind of, but I think it’ll be okay? Or, I don’t really know, I guess? I’m not sure. He’s been kind of..I don’t think it’s a fight. He doesn’t seem mad, but I’m not really sure.” Evan stammers out in a rush. Then what Jared’s mom had said sinks in. “But, uh, does Jared _usually_ mention me?” Evan asks. Jared’s mom laughs.

“Oh, all the time.” She says, and Evan waits for some elaboration, but she doesn’t continue. “Well, go on. Let me know if you need anything, okay?” Evan nods before rushing off to go to Jared’s room.

When he gets up there, he knocks on the door.

“Yeah?” Jared says, so Evan opens the door. “Evan?” Jared asks, bolting upright from where he was laying in bed. “Uh, what are you doing here, man?”

“I just wanted to talk to you. And apologize. You seem kind of…different, lately? And it’s…I mean, I know it’s my fault, and I didn’t mean to be so harsh. I was being kind of mean and I’m really sorry I snapped at you. It wasn’t like it was a big deal or anything, and you were just joking around. I’m really sorry if I hurt your feelings or made you feel bad or - “ Jared cuts Evan off with some huffed laughter.

“No, dude, it’s fine. I’m not mad at you or anything. Don’t worry.”

“Oh. But…you’ve been kinda avoiding me? And I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable around me? Or to start censoring yourself? And I overreacted, I think, so - “

“No, you didn’t. I was being, you know. I mean, you know me. I always make dumb jokes and sometimes I just keep going, I guess. I can be kinda annoying, sorry.” Jared laughs it off, but Evan can hear the hurt in his voice.

“You’re not annoying!” Evan tells him quickly. “It’s not that I thought it was annoying! I promise.” Jared looks up, confused.

“Then what was it?” Jared asks, and Evan realizes that he has fucked up.

“Oh, um. I don’t know?” He tries, but Jared shakes his head.

“You definitely know.” Jared answers. “What, is it just that much harder resisting the Kleinman charm when I’m throwing myself at you?” Jared waggles his eyebrows, and he seems more like himself than he has in a while, and it makes Evan want to kiss him.

The thing is, Evan Hansen sometimes just doesn’t know how to use his fucking words like a normal human and he just impulsively does stupid shit.

Case in point: Instead of laughing it off, or quickly denying it, or making a joke of his own, he does exactly what he wants to do and leans over, cups Jared’s face with his hands, and presses their lips together.

“Yes,” Evan answers once they separate, still holding Jared’s face.

Except that’s when he realizes that he just _kissed_ Jared like the idiot he is and quickly jumps back, his hands falling back to the bed.

“Oh God, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to? I mean, I did. Obviously. But I shouldn’t have done that. I’m so sorry.” Jared doesn’t answer for a while, and Evan’s mind is filling with all the possible ways in which this could play out and it’s just about to make Evan _cry_ or something stupid when Jared speaks again.

“Evan, did you just kiss me?” Jared asks, and he doesn’t sound disgusted or angry, just more shocked and confused. Evan is kind of floored. Out of all the possibilities Evan had considered, Jared asking such a genuinely idiotic question had not been one of them. He kind of wants to say no, just to see what Jared apparently _thinks_ happened, but he doesn’t.

“Yes? I thought that was kind of. Um. Obvious.” Jared blinks at him, his face still frighteningly blank.

“Oh.” Is all Jared says, and Evan wants to scream at Jared to just fucking _do_ something. To make one of his stupid jokes or to yell at him or laugh or kick him out. Just to stop staring off into the distance and to give Evan at least a hint into what he’s thinking.

“Oh?” Evan tries.

“Okay.” Jared answers, before a big smile overtakes his face and he pulls Evan closer to kiss him again. And again. And again. Hard and gentle all at once, like he’s really desperate but also thinks that Evan is a fragile piece of glass that will shatter into a million pieces if he’s jostled at all.

Evan kisses him back, harder, to try to remind Jared that he isn’t.

“God, Ev.” Jared whispers in between kisses. “I wasn’t. I wasn’t pretending.” He says. He leans back a little, giving them both a break. “Well, I was pretending I didn’t, like, have this massive crush on you. But I was never pretending to hit on you.”

“You were hitting on me?” Jared laughs, and it’s so happy and light sounding that it makes Evan’s heart feel warm.

“Are you fucking kidding me, Ev? You even called me out on flirting with you.”

“I thought you were joking!”

“I know. And that’s adorably naive of you, Hansen.” Jared says, pecking him on the lips again.

“You - You were practically ruining my life.” Evan informs him. He thinks Jared should know all the turmoil he caused. Jared frowns.

“What do you mean?”

“I..I was dealing with this dumb, cute boy who kept saying dumb, cute things, and I had - have - a dumb crush on you, and it was the worst!” Jared laughs.

“Sorry to break it to you, sweet cheeks, but that’s entirely your fault.”

“How?” Evan asks, indignant. Jared is really not being as sympathetic as he had hoped he would be.

“You didn’t pick up on my incredibly unsubtle cues, dude. That’s completely your fault.” Evan makes a face.

“First of all, they’re not as unsubtle as you think. Second of all, don’t call me dude right after we just kissed.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, sweetheart. Babe. Light of my life. Honey Bunches of Oats. Froot Loop.”

“That last one sounds like a gay slur.”

“What can I say? I’m the biggest homophobe around.”

“You’re a homophobe who…likes me?”

“Yup. I like you very much.”

“Oh.” Evan answers eloquently. “Good.”

“Good?” Jared asks, his lips quirking upwards. “Where’s _my_ undying declaration of love?” Evan rolls his eyes, but Jared’s hands are fidgeting and Evan knows that this is Jared-speak for _I’m feeling insecure and I need you to validate me_ , so Evan does.

“I like you too. A lot? Like, a lot. Don’t…You don’t have to worry about that at all.” Evan says, and the declaration makes his face burn a little, but Jared’s answering grin makes up for it.

“I wasn’t worried.” Jared says, but his hands have stilled and his eyes are bright. “I like hearing you say it.” He continues.

“I like you,” Evan says again, and Jared’s face flushes a little and Evan realizes that he quite likes being on this end of things. “I want to kiss you again,” he says, which is kind of embarrassing to say out loud, but it's worth it when he sees Jared’s face turn even redder.

“Wow. I never knew you could be so bold.” He replies, but he sounds weak. “Well, do it then.” He says, staring up at him, challenge in his eyes.

So, Evan does.

**Author's Note:**

> so evan ended up taking connor's advice to just make out w jared after all, huh?
> 
> anyway i hate myself for that snacc thing. do people even say that anymore? idk i had kinda given up by that point lol


End file.
